Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
