Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
