If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
