My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
