i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
