I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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