I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
