Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
