Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
