listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
