that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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