Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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