i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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