I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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