Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
you're hired as official boob wrangler
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize