im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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