He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
