He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
