We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
