I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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