it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
