I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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