My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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