don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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