That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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