woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
