I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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