There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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