I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
