I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
