just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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