when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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