I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
