I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize