I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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