the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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