I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
