so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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