So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
