First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
