so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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