all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
