You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize