This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize