This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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