Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
