I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Randomize
