Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
