i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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