and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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