South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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