this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
