My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
