I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
