I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
