Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
