I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize