I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
