Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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